When Tina asks – “Why stay alive?”
When Tina asks – “Why stay alive?”
Some answer as though she's asking, “What are the benefits?”
They say, “Surviving makes you stronger,”
or “God's teaching you something,”
or they try to find some other silver lining.
Some answer as though she means, “What's happening?”
They say, “brain chemistry”
or “development.”
And there's some insight here.
At a graduate discussion group,
I heard Joshua Seachris, then studying philosophy at the University of Oklahoma,
say what we want is a framework — a narrative — to make sense
of these “existentially charged elements of life.”
My question eventually became
whether the zebra of reality is randomness
with stripes of meaning
or the other way around.
The gradual surprise is that there's anything at all.
Powerful stuff. I for one am very glad to know both you and Tina, and now Arwen. It would have been a great loss not to.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I struggled a lot when I started having panic attacks trying to avoid medication, and, later when seeing a therapist, I really wanted to get at the root trauma of the problem and "fix" it by finally remembering some suppressed memory or something like you see on TV.
But, actually, I needed medication. I still do. I have a chemical problem in my brain which can create feedback loops I cannot calm myself out of. That is what medicine is for. Nothing to be ashamed of anymore than a deformed appendage.
Similarly, how did I become like this? Who cares, my PhD psychologist said. You need to start working again. You need to provide for your family. You need to be able to get on a bus or go to the store without becoming oppressively overwhelmed. I am not going to ever *not* have anxiety, so learning how to live with it is a lot more important than digging through my past in hopes of finding someone or something to blame.
As for why God allows mental illness, especially in Christians, I do think God can sometimes use it to teach or grow a person. That is not an empty line of thought (even though it often feels that way). On the other hand, there might be other, less exhausting ways, to learn lessons from God. I mean, did God sell Joseph into slavery or did his brothers, and God used it for good anyway? I think there is a lot of brokenness in the world due to our, mankind's, rebellion against God, and this causes a lot of collateral damage which is not dispensed fairly or equally (by our, human, understanding of the terms). I find comfort, (1), that it is only temporary, that all will be restored in the end, and (2), that God works all things towards his purposes, none of these prevent the realization of his plans or his demonstration of love to his people. Some Christians seem to enjoy this life, others seem to suffer in it, but both are being watched by the world around them, and we should witness our thanksgiving or alternatively our hope and confidence. Ultimately, it is only a sliver of eternity, and we don't know everything how our eternal salvation will play out.
I think sometimes about that feeling after having been on your feet all day, walking, hiking, or just standing, when you finally sit down and take off your shoes and socks. People reclining in their palaces being fanned with banana leaves don't get that sensation. Similarly, in Japan (which has an enormous alcohol consumption), people often comment on hard days how good the evenings beer will taste because of it.